Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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