tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
