Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
