I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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