you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think weed is turning my hair brown
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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