i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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