apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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