I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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