If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
