Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry about my life...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
