the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
