I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
