there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
