it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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