my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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