Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
