so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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