You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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