now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
