I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
