I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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