I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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