If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
