Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
