We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
