Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
