I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
