why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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