oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
