P.S. I can't hear my feet
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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