I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
