sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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