i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
