Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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