I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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