The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My cat gives me a boner
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
