My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
In other news, I just burned my penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
