I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
