Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
