On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
