I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
