I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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