OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
