OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
