I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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