she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
