and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
if only i could text you this smell
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
