I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
