I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
