so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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